Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
