I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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