I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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