It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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