Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
where does the pee come out of this thing
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
