apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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