I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
