You're my little dorito
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
