I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
