Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Randomize
