Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
