Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
