somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
