I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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