If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
