He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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