why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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