oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
