you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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