Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
