chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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