all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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