do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
