Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
