why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I think your dad took our porno
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
