I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
