can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
