I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Just fell off a train. Bad.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
