she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Randomize
