I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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