i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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