so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
