enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
