i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
