There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
