Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
