I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
