New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
