that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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