Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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