I just threw up on my dentist
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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