i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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