who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
