Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
