we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
