He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
