The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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