I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
