so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
