As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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