dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
