i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
