Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
